Heart at war.

I don't have a choice,
But I still choose you.

Perfect.

I've never come across a saying that completes me more than this one. That's one thing I can be sure about, the woman I've been and the one I'm becoming is who I've always wanted to be...and that's not going anywhere, no matter what.

Keep hope alive.

There's too many signs that point to yes to even let no be an option.
<3

Milestone #1

As of today, I have paid off my tuition, gave my work notice of my new schedule, getting ready to sign up at a gym, and have a plan. Not bad for 5 days into the year.






Also, today is the first day I haven't cried. And I realized that the only thing keeping me from you, is yourself.

New start 2013.

Well, it's the first day of the new year...and I can say that I honestly never guessed I'd be here, in the position I'm in today. But I guess that's life right? You never know what's going to happen..
I know I'm strong and that I can get through this, but my mind has a way of always trying to talk me out of it..I'm working on that, mainly bc I trust my heart more than my mind. And at least that's something I know will never change.
I'm getting back to the old me, not bc I don't like the new me, but bc that's really the only option I have at the moment. But there are some new things I'm taking with me on this journey..
I never want anyone or anything to make me a bitter, less trusting, less loving person. There will always be hard times in life, but I'm not going to let that change who I have become. I don't want to put up walls again, it took so long for them to come down the first time, I'm just leaving them alone and not wasting time on building them up again. I love to love. I trust my heart and know that things are going to work out, one way or another. I will not let this break me, or ruin me, or turn me into something I'm not. I will not be an angry, cold hearted, hopeless person. I will continue to have faith in love, loyalty, and kindness. I will not become a victim of heartbreak, even though I know all too well how easy that can be...bc it is the worst feeling I have ever had to feel. And I will never wish that on anyone, or never make anyone feel from me. It's time to love myself, because I've never really gotten the chance to, and when it is time, I will be able to love more than anyone expected.
I will try my hardest to turn this into a positive thing, and never stop listening to my heart. No matter what.
<3

Time to grow up!

TIME TO GET MY SHIT TOGETHER (and stop just talking about it.)

Ready.

I've come to a point in my life where I'm ready to take the next step into adulthood. Although I feel like I've come really far in the past few years, (managing money, being completely independent from anyone and succeeding at it, being self sufficent and working full time), I feel like there is one area that I may have skipped over or ignored..maybe unconciously, but nevertheless I've realized that I've come to the breaking point with it and I can choose to go one of two ways: step up and deal with it, or continue to ignore it. I'm choosing to deal with it and make some changes.The step that I seem to keep ignoring is being able to control my emotions. For the most part, I think I'm fine. But I know myself well enough to admit that there are times where I need to chill out. Life is not meant to be spent worrying. As I started to post this, I saw the last post I made...nearly a year ago...and it was about anxiety and stress and how I wasn't able to control it. That just makes me want to put this effort into effect even sooner. I don't want to look back in another year and feel the same as I do now.I need to relax more, stop stressing or worrying about things that aren't even valid. I realize it's a habit that I have carried with me for YEARS, and it's not going to go away overnight, but from this point forward I promise that I will be more aware of it, and that I will not allow it to take over my common sense.I am very lucky, and I know it. I have a good job for now, a great new apartment, and a wonderful man that makes my day every single day. He may not be perfect, but he is perfect for me. And I want to be that for him as well.And because of that, there's no need for me to have any kind of pessimistic attitude that I've noticed a little bit lately. So I'm done with it, because he means that much. No more insecurities, no more jealousy, worrying over nothing, assuming, anger, anxious or being sad for no reason.It doesn't happen often, but it happens enough. I'm putting an end to it now. Time to get back to being me, and not this fragile person I've become. Starting now.