lesson learned 1,000 times over

you can never trust anyone but yourself. never ever ever.
if you want something, you have to do it yourself. you can't rely on anyone else.

don't ask me why, ask yourself why. you'll get a more direct answer that way.

i wish my heart was still in this.

[do not want]

i think i've gotten to the point where i don't even care anymore.
that can't be good. i don't want that. i want to be proved wrong, just once.

how do you stop the inevitable?

lightbulb

sometimes you have to take a step back to figure out how to get forward.

i'm a little bit superstitious, so i try not to jinx myself.

the only way to not be disappointed is to not expect anything.

i have to admit, it would be nice to be suprised though.

..what?

life is so fucked up.
god must have a twisted sense of humor.

oh november..

this year's been a rough one. it's tested me in ways that i never would have wished for. it's hard for me to believe that i've lasted this long without breaking, but i remember a few times where i was very close.
its almost over though..lets hope we all make it, and that next year is better. because i don't know how much more my heart or my sanity can take.

it's called "tough love."

youre just being stubborn, fortunatly i can be just as stubborn as you.
i'm not sorry that i care, i'm not willing to give up on you. just because you shrug it off doesnt mean i will.

you asked for it.

crap.

i realized today that i'm completely terrified of change.

an opportunity came up for me to actually get my dream job, although it requires me moving about 8 hours away..which wouldnt be so bad really, except for the fact that i'd be going by myself and i literally know 1 MAYBE 2 people down there, depending on the exact area i'd be in.

although, if they put in that new high speed train that was just approved, that wouldnt be bad at all..

the scariest thing to me is that it might be my only chance to get down there. i dont feel ready for it but at the same time maybe its exactly what i need.

ask me what i really think.

i promise i will never be as selfish as you.

to who it may concern:

if you do not answer your phone, return calls, or reply to texts

throw your phone in the fucking street. you're wasting your money and my time.

x 2

it's incredibly difficult to love someone who doesn't love themself.

wow.

Definitition of Karma:
Through the law of karma, the effects of all deeds actively create past, present, and future experiences, thus making one responsible for one's own life, and the pain and joy it brings to him/her and others.

i've never believed anything more than this, and tonights findings proved it once again.

i don't believe in revenge, because karma can do much worse things than i ever could.

so..good luck with that.

rant.

i'm so tired of trying so hard for everything.
i'm very frustrated with people as of late. especially certian people that i never thought i'd be frustrated with.
i'd do anything for my friends. anything. that's just how i am and have always been. but lately, i feel like everything i do is a little unnapreciated, and its starting to wear on me. i dont know if that sounds selfish, i don't mean it to. but take it as you want.

i'm just tired of everything. i want to leave and not come back for a while. i need to clear my head and start over the right way, and i can't do that here.

no, i don't fucking get it.

you have no idea and i doubt you ever will. not only because you don't ask..but also because i know myself well enough to admit that i'm too stubborn to ever let you know how hard this was for me.

you realize this is the last thing i ever expected of you.

i hate that you let this happen. i hate that you let it get this bad. and it kills me that you're not going to do anything about it. i know that without you even saying a word..because you haven't said a word yet.

sleep deprivation = brain overdrive.

when you feel like you're not doing anything, it's because you're not doing anything.
you're not going anywhere, because you're doing the same thing everyday.

i'm stuck. i'm fed up. i'm ready for something new.
i'm tired of knowing what's going to happen next..i need some goddamn variety.

I'M BORED.

REVISON.

on second thought..fuck you.

"things can't always be black and white..

sometimes, there has to be gray."
man, i am going through some shit right now.
it's funny how sometimes all it takes is one little thing to make you see the whole picture.

the olympics always get me.

i want so badly to swim again more than anything else in the world.
so much so, that i'm willing to give up everything at this point for it.

talking to myself..

at some point, you have to stop being unhappy. there is no point in going along every day with that same sinking feeling. that youre not good enough. that everything you do adds up to nothing. that everything said or done in the past doesnt matter anymore. that as hard as you try, it wont be worth it.
at some point, you have to move on. you have to focus on yourself. what you want, and what makes you happy instead of what works for everyone else. you have to stop depending on anyone except yourself.
at some point, you have to rethink everything you've believed in.
at some point, you have to start over. you have to realize what you're doing wrong and how to stop. you're 22 years old, you're grown up. you're responsible. independent as all hell. you don't NEED anyone. you have a great family and great friends and thats all you NEED.
at some point, you have to get your life together. find out what it is that makes you happy and keep it. don't risk your pride. don't risk your values. don't change for anyone. take risks, but smart ones. stop waiting, just go.

i should have known from the beginning, i actually think i did..but was trying to believe something else. i should have known so many times, but i shut myself up.
too much of a dreamer sometimes.