2009

"what's left to lose? you've done enough. and if you fail well then you fail, but not to us. cause these last three years, i know they've been hard. but now it's time to get out of the desert and into the sun. even if it's alone."

except this time, i'm not alone. this year has been one of self discovery, to say the least. i was pulled and pushed in every direction imaginable..and i ended up here.
but maybe that's the whole point.

welcome, 2010.

i think.

i think that as you get older, you kindof 'renew' the way you think about things. more like, throw out the way you used handle life in general.

at times i think it is neccesary to realize that everything is NOT perfect, and the only way it can be is if it's perfect for you, and it doesn't matter what others think.

don't sweat the small stuff. don't get stuck. keep moving forward and things will work out as they were meant to.

i think it's called growing up.

one year later.

"second chances are rare, third chances don't exsist."

life's a little different now.
that used to be a phrase i lived by, and it served me well back then. all i've been waiting for is someone to prove me wrong, and i think this might be it.
<3

sounds nice.

"Life is short, break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably, and never regret anything that made you smile."

maybe someday i'll be able to believe in this.

no, you've got it backwards.

words mean everything.
only sorry and promises mean nothing anymore.

congratulations.

if you were trying to make me cry, you succeeded.
i hope you're happy.

so true.

[yes] ?

is there really such thing as a point of no return?

too little too late?

never say never, but now i can honestly say that i'm closer to saying yes more than ever.
it's a little scary. but at least it's real.

this wasn't easy.

there are so many questions, so many things left unsaid.
i know they will stay unsaid, and i've come to accept that.

lessons have been learned.
forgive and forget...i'm still working on that one.
forgiveness comes with love, that i can handle.
it's the forgetting part i have trouble with.

but more than anything, i wish you were the person i used to think you were.

oh boy..

thank god.

something finally makes sense to me.

i'm starting to figure life out. and it makes me feel a lot better.

"in the nicest way possible"

i feel like i'm starting to become a cynic because of you, and i hate that more than anything.
i can't do this anymore..i don't know what i'm going to do, but i just know it can't be this.

whatever happened to life just being simple? or honesty in general? or respect?

third chances do not exsist, you know that as well as i do. and no i don't want to talk about it so do not ask.

i miss feeling like myself. back to square one hopefully for the last time.

if you take advice from anyone, take it from ghandi.

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”

risks are necessary.

No one will ever save you
If no one can ever find you.

some days are harder than others.

i just want to get to the point where i don't have to start over anymore.

tough love.

please don't get me wrong

because I’ll never let this go
but I can't find the words to tell you
I don't want to be alone
but now I feel like I don't know you

and I’ll never let this go
but I can't find the words to tell you
that now I feel like I don't know you.

right?

can't.

there comes a point when you just can't lie to yourself anymore.
you will hurt.
you will cry.
you will be angry.
you will feel stupid.
you will not ever understand.

but you will be okay.

ok

this is a last attempt. because i dont feel like anything else is right.
things will be different, one way or another.

you can trust me, trust nobody.

We're only taking turns
Holding this world
It's how it's always been
When you're older you will understand

If I say who I know it just goes to show
You need me less than I need you
But take it from me we don't give sympathy
You can trust me trust nobody
But I said you and me we don't have honesty
The things we don't want to speak
I'll try to get out but I never will
This traffic is perfectly still

We're only taking turns
Holding this world
It's how it's always been
When you're older you will understand

And then again maybe you don't
And then again maybe you won't

When you're older you might understand.

thumbs down.

i can't believe the effects that stress can have on your body.
you don't have to eat.
you don't have to sleep.
you're constantly distracted.
your body feels like you got ran over by a semi, but not because of anything physical..just from emotions.
you can be fine one second and a complete mess the next.

it really is taking a tole on me.

revision.

WHAT THE FUCK.
my life is a joke.

why do i have to care so much.

help.

if you lose hope, you lose everything. and i'm trying so hard not to unravel.

i care too much.

i have a habit of driving myself crazy. i do it to myself, i'm aware that i do it and i absolutely hate it, but for some reason that hasn't stopped me from continuing to do so.
and i hate being sensitive, even though i try not to be. [that actually probably makes it worse.]
it's hard for me to open up to someone and when i do, i let things that shouldn't really matter get to me too easily. that's the main reason why i don't.
i hate misinterpreting things. i hate assuming..even though i've tried really hard to stop doing so, it still happens every once in a while. i hate having to guess.

things will get better because they have to.

life..

i'm on the fence whether or not to move forward or just stay where i am.
it's a weird feeling..like i'm torn in half and i want things that are on both sides but i can't have that, i have to choose one.
theres things happening around me that i'd like to be a part of, and i feel like at this point in my life, i SHOULD be a part of. but with my current situation it just isn't going to work.
i wish someone could just tell me what's going to happen or what to do because having to guess is just wearing me down.
i need something to change soon and all i can do is try to make it happen because sitting back and letting fate run it's course hasn't gotten me very far.

story of my life.

two steps forward, three steps back.never seems to fail.

this kindof thing just makes me want to go back to the way i was. not trusting anyone again, it's so much safer.

suprise.

"you'll be fine just treat the situation like its just for fun and try not to put your heart too much into it"

sometimes you get the best advice from the most unlikely source.

so simple.

sometimes the thing that makes more sense than anything else is to stop trying to figure it out, and just let it happen.
i haven't felt this at ease in a long time. or this happy.
thank you.

hmm..

sometimes i find myself thinking about where i was at this point last year. or two years ago, or five. and then i think about where i'll be this time next year, or two..or ten.
there is nothing in my past that i want to go back to, although at the time i thought i knew where i was heading and where i'd end up.

the truth is, i have no idea where i'm going to be two months from now, let alone two years. i'm excited for the future even though i don't know what's in store for me. i just know that i won't be where i've been and that's a good thing in my eyes.

but it's not just about me, this includes others too. theres always going to be people who come in and out of your life, some you'll never talk to or see again, and some that will stick around forever. it all happens for a reason, whether you like it or not. and right now, i feel like i have a really good set of people in my life and i'm very grateful for them.

<3

oh crap.

sometimes my horroscope freaks me out.

Taurus:
Keep on trusting your instincts. They serve you well when you are trying to assess what's really going on. Your ability to judge a person's true motivations is generally on the money. Your inner voice will also help you spot a potential Soulmate.


ahhhh, i guess we'll see..

last.

i'd like to think that i'm a pretty logcial person. i know the difference between fairytale and real life. sometimes i may let my mind wander, but it all comes back to being a realist. i won't let myself fall for something that's not really there.
some people think that having a wall up is bad, but i feel like it's the only way to be safe. if you just let yourself get caught up in every little chance, you will be let down..it's inevitable.

i haven't always been this way, it's because of experience. i've learned from the past and try really hard to not make the same mistakes. there is kindof a pattern that has formed with my past relationships and i'm breaking it. i'd rather be alone then be in anything one-sided.

i'd rather be tough than be weak. but just because i'm strong doesn't mean i don't have feelings, and they can't get hurt. just because i'm stubborn doesn't mean i'll ignore a problem, i will call you out. although i think i've gotten to the point where instead of trying to fix something that's too broken, i just have to let it go. there's no point in being mad or upset about something that will never be resolved. sometimes, you just have to leave it alone..as shitty as that can be, you have to.
this took me far too long to write.

all at once.

sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.

damn.

my heart isn't doing too well lately..

just once.

i don't even know where to start with this.
there are reasons i am the way that i am. there are reasons i don't trust easily.
PEOPLE LIE.
no excuses, no exceptions.
i learn from experience and live by what i've learned.
don't ask me why, don't expect me to change.
what you say and what you do contradict eachother.
don't lie to me unless you want me to find out. because i will.
don't take me for a fool, because you'll just be let down.

i hate always being right. i just want someone to prove me wrong.
just once.

interesting..in more that one way.

jaded: to make or become dull, worn-out, or weary, as from overwork or overuse.

strength is a funny thing.

i've always thought of myself as a very independent, strong person. i've been through hard times and i've been at the end of my rope once or twice. but i've always been able to get through it, and i've always learned from it.
this, however, i did not prepare myself for. i never thought i'd have to deal with something like this and i hope i never do again. it is without a doubt the hardest hit i've ever taken, and it didn't even happen to me.

to walk into a hospital room expecting the worst and then having your fears confirmed. almost not being able to recognize a close friend. to sit there in disbelief but having to admit to yourself that this is real. this is not a dream, this is real and now we have to deal with it. having to hold back tears until you are by yourself and then completely losing it. realizing that everytime you see him, you will think of how he looked TODAY. not knowing the right words to say except, "i love you." not knowing if he truly understands that he is loved by so many. wanting nothing more than to just go give him a hug like you did the other night, but knowing even a hug could hurt him more.
my friends are family to me. i honestly feel that way, and i hope that i show it. i love them with all my heart and seeing one of them hurt is the same to me as having a broken heart.

you can not prepare yourself for everything. i am truly sorry for anyone who has to go through this. never take anything or anyone for granted.

dear...

you are not invincible, despite the fact that you seem to think so.
i want to be mad at you for this, but i love you too much.

please stop. for yourself and for all of us who care about you.

whoa..

sometimes i think my guy friends know me better than i know myself. lately, anyway..

i guess sometimes they know what they're talking about..maybe if i listened to them a little more my life might make more sense..





haha, yeah right.

and sometimes,

you need a slap in the face in order to get back to reality.

well..you know

sometimes, you need to make waves.

secret.

have faith in me
cause there are things that i've seen i don't believe
so cling to what you know
and never let go
you should know
things aren't always what they seem.

two weeks late is better than never.

my resolution this year is to stop assuming. it just means trouble.

probably the best idea i've had in a while.

life is messy.

but at least it's not boring.
i dont even know if anyone reads these. they are just for me anyway, as reminders of events that have happened or ideas that i've had.

i have a really good life. great friends and an amazing family. i get a lot of chances to do things that most dont, and i'm very thankful for them. just so you know, i love my messy life.

hmm

i think it's a game. and if that's the case, i won't play.


k i'm going to seattle. byeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

ughhh

as much as i'm opposed to giving up, at this point it almost seems neccesary.

LISTEN

if you feel like you need to explain yourself, then do it. excuses don't count as explanations, though.

if not, then keep doing what you're doing now because it will get you nowhere.

trust me, i've seen it all before. i'm not a naive girl, i normally don't do second chances..but for some reason i did. don't expect it to happen again.

a friend recently told me, "we're too old for thirds." by which she meant that we are too old to give out third chances. and i couldn't agree with her more.

don't take this as a slap in the face unless you're going to be a coward about it..and if that's the case, then go ahead. this is mainly a reminder for me.

FUCK

give me a god damn break. please.

i can't take this anymore. what the hell is the matter with me.